Response to Samantha

6 Sep

http://sld48gem.wordpress.com/2009/08/08/public-journal/

hehe….I didn’t think my life was sad until the 6th grade. We were making time-lines of our lives and I was having a lot of fun. Then my teacher looked at it and said “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.” I was really confused, so I analyzed it for about 10 minutes and realized what she was talking about. It’s sort of funny. I guess I can thank my *absent-mindedness* for not letting the bad things affect me. haha! I thought about suicide when I was little too, actually. I think I started when I was 7. But I knew I wouldn’t do it, even back then. Mostly I was just wondering about why people did or didn’t do it, how it affected other people, whether I should do it, etc. I asked my mom when I was 12, I think, if you would go to heaven if you did it, and she got mad. I guess it’s the culture.

13 Years Old – Identity Crisis for a day. I hate that feeling.

The only successful journal I ever had was when I was 15, and I found a new writing style because of it. I don’t like writing about my life-story because I’m exhausted about talking and thinking about it, but I don’t think it was that sad. I guess the only thing you can do with drama [family drama] is avoid it, make the best out of every situation, go with the flow, be thankful, and try to be as actively positive as you can – meaning no complaining.

But I suppose I have two different lives in that. Blaah.

Right now I’m really confused and lazy and unmotivated. I’m stuck in thinking. I don’t know what is what, and as a response I become irresponsible and questioning of everything. My paranoia plays into it to – I’ve distrusted toothpaste since I was 14. XD

On the other flip side, when I need to ‘go with the flow’ and am in a…well, different environment (physically in a certain house), I go into a sort of ‘this is life’ mode. Don’t be stupid and questioning, just work. Do what you need to do. Be responsible. Don’t argue, just do. Look for work and be helpful, conciliatory, accepting.

I sort of wish I could change when and where these Meeze-modes turned on. I try to carry Meeza-Mode 2 with me wherever I am, but it doesn’t work.

So now, I’m trying to find something….I’ve looked to all sorts of things. God, of course is number one right now, – I’m having a spiritual crisis as well, hooray. I’d been questioning his existence since I was 5, but now I know he exists….I’m still having probs.

If you’re gonna write about your life, then I’ll read it.

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