God’s Love and My Greed XD

5 Dec

Does God seem a bit dispassionate to you? Like you’re not special – he’s just collecting as many followers as he can. That seems more like a devil figure, trying to collect as many souls as possible as an affront to God, but right now, to me it seems the same on his part, just with prettier words. It’s like none of us has a special soul – it’s all in general. Sure we hear people say we all have special talents and we’re all important in God’s plan – like a chess game almost. The pieces are all important – even the pawns. It seems so strategic. We all have worth, that’s good to know. I understand that he loves us, because he sent his son to die for us. But it feels like everything is too general – I’m being greedy. I think I want to be loved, but with a sort of consuming desire, so with a passion. I want someone to really want to spend time with me, and I want to feel the same way. I want someone who can’t wait to see my face and who gets excited that they finally get to be able to talk with me, and I want to feel the same way – and I want us to be able to discern this because we’re unable to resist smiling when we find each other. Kind of how…when your parent picks you up from school or something. You can’t help but smile when you meet eyes, usually. Sometimes I see my sister suppress this when she’s mad at my mom (usually she doesn’t need to of course). I can tell why romantic love between..eh, couples, is so…idealized – the love is obsessive and you feel wanted, and it probably makes you feel good. Maybe it’s a vanity thing. I think it’s…horrible of me to want more out of God, because of the sacrifice he made so that humanity could live – but it’s difficult for me to connect with the Almighty God because the death of his son was for the sake of humanity. It’s too general for me to relate to..surprisingly. Too broad. The whole world. All living people. On top of that, he’s God and he loves me? The creator loves his creation. A little more believable there. All-powerful. Getting difficult, but not too much. Master of the Universe. Doesn’t really communicate in a way that I can understand. Having trouble talking to him. Can’t feel he’s there all the time. The sky looks like wallpaper to me sometimes, and other’s it spans towards infinity. I get those moments where I see reality cold-blank (not point-blank. It’s kinda cold), staring at me, and it sends my head reeling – if this is what atheists feel all the time, I can see why they might think we’re clinging to this spirituality thing to avoid dealing with reality just plain like that. It feels like there are opposite poles of enlightenment. And I’ve been having those moments of weird-seeing-the-world-as-it-is since I was a kid. It feels weird. Like you really awake and all your senses are alive XDD and the world is facing you but there’s no sense or meaning or logic in anything. Yeesh. If you live always ‘awake’ like that then it’s easy to see religion and stuff equaling the whole “Ignorance is bliss” deal.

But then..if you look for love in other places, I hear it’s not enough. Cause humans are fallible, and so their love isn’t perfect, and won’t really satisfy or fill you up like God’s can. Sounds like human love is just a sample of God’s love, or a watered down or not-as-good version. Knock off? XD But all love is true, isn’t it? Well…Anyways. Humans get angry at God too though…Mm, train of thought got exploded by dynamite there. The peace you feel when you’re in love and it’s alright won’t be like the peace you get when you experience God’s love? Or Heaven?

Hmm, got off-topic. I’m lost. Hah.

I was trying to realize what my issue was that I couldn’t really grasp this, and I’m thinking this might be it. I don’t really socialize to make people love me, and I don’t really believe in boyfriends and romance – especially high school romance. I do like love though, especially when it’s more of a friend or family type of love. I thought of this through a series of clicks that got me thinking. XD I skimmed through some pages in a christian book and it kind of talked about nature helping you feel God..better (like nature-nature..hiking and stuff, no outside world noise..or city anyways, and you’re not surrounded by buildings or man-made stuffs). I feel that sometimes. But gosh, is my connection to God gonna be limited or determined by the weather and my location?? That’s fine for a starting point, but I’m not taking off from there. It has to start with real love I think. And I feel like it’s almost unrequited, and that I’m making flimsy shallow attempts at trying to love him, like I’m somewhat interested but it’s not enough. Doesn’t love require encouragement from another part – or does love not ask anything in return (including loving a person back) – or are we supposed to find his immense capacity of love by loving him alone ourselves until realizing he loved us more that we can understand this whole time? So, through his workings, he makes us initiate the love? I’m stuck.

Also for the whole nature thing, it sounded to me like it was some kind of human instinct, when surrounded by something like that that they didn’t create , something obviously not man-made, to assume some greater being did. The instinct to jump to the assumption that a God exists when surrounded in the natural world. And either thats truth or that’s a common human flaw or fallacy in judgement, kinda. A psychological thing that’ll maybe someday be explained away and never be put to rest (it’ll eventually come down to, does God exist and is this truth written in our subconscious, or is this trait in humans what links us together and keeps our survival by keeping us sane – nature gave us a conscience and the defense against it so we didn’t go mad and destroy ourselves/others.

Blaah…I feel like God isn’t that in love with me, and of course, that I’m not in love with him – which is my problem. Even the relationships around me seem kindaa apathetic sometimes – not usually. Not as true as it can be. I know they all love me though, and I love them. BECAUSE I CAN SEE THEM…And because I see the evidence of their love, maybe daily. Looking for evidence of God’s love is easy – I read someone say it’s easy cause all you have to do is attribute all the beautiful things to him. I’ll add ‘good’ to that too. But if I can’t feel him, how can I truly thank him or believe he loves me. My heart doesn’t move at his love often – sometimes, and I get excited when it happens. The stars are really cool to me. @_@

yaaaaah….I also feel like I should say G-d and Him. But that’s fake respect or reverence. I can’t feel him. It’s wrong to lie about it I think. Though it’d be worse to disrespect him…It’s hard to be honest or write sincerely when you have to fake modesty like that. Like that whole white on the outside but black and hollow on the inside vase deal. What was it?

Matthew 23:27 – Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.

What is it about words? The more ancient they are the more sacred they sound. Does everything feel more sacred or holy with age?

…s’ka-doosh. XD [hehe, figure that out]


One Response to “God’s Love and My Greed XD”

  1. meezletoe December 7, 2009 at 2:56 am #

    Reading this over after only 2 days, I feel like a stranger wrote this. I can’t completely relate to it anymore, but I understand what I wrote. Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system?
    However, when I need help, I still end up praying or talking to him. My first instinct has always been to propose some sort of deal, but I know that’s not good. I figure, he’s in control, so I gotta fear him. Is that a good starting point for love? I see that happening sometimes.
    I also remembered that I really should be dead right now. -.- All sorts of stupid things – caused by me – have happened, a couple of which were dangerous, yet here I am, unharmed by the most craziest of events, with no explanation really. I’ve caused a mini-explosion, but somehow the fire flew over me. My hand slid off of a branch, high up a redwood tree I was climbing, but I grab another branch a couple meters down as I fell – this is probably just reflex, but I was surprised I was so calm. When I was 8 I was sitting on a pillow made out of a sort of slippery material, which was laying on top of some books on a shelf that was standing on a desk – it slipped but I somehow windsurfed and used the pillow as a sled and slid smoothly onto the ground (meanwhile, a boy in my class had broken his arm by falling off of the bed) and there wasn’t even a mess to clean. Etc. These aren’t really bad or crazy things – with the exception of the kind-of explosion – but someone as lacking in common sense as I am can’t really get far in life without ending up in some sort of catastrophe. How is it I managed to leave those sort of disasters unhurt everytime? One time I ended up – due to a convoluted thought process, and the convincing of a part of my brain [that compares my ideas with past experiences to calculate the reliability of them] that if it makes sense in my head, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t work in the real world – walking alone on a highway under a quickly darkening sky. I asked God for a sign and immediately a white truck with a Cross sticker on it’s back window drove past me. I cried out, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!” and ended up being picked up by a nice lady who told me I reminded her of her niece, which made her get worried – that and I had ended up chasing after a very late school bus after my brain had entered a state of frenzied madness. It was long gone after the first 30 seconds, and I’d been running like a maniac for a while, so she hadn’t seen the bus.
    …Hehehe, off topic again?!
    Yeah, so I think there’s no way that I couldn’t be loved by God if I’m still alive and somewhat sane.
    Maybe this little essay was influenced by my reading of the Midnight Sun draft by Stephanie Myer – that’s right…Twilight. It was in Edward’s perspective. I don’t recall cringing as much as I had as I flipped through my sister’s Twilight books. But not completely, I promise you. There are other non-book and non-romance ..er…factors involved here…like my life. o_O I made a couple drafts for my response to that too actually. (I’m sorry, it’s already part of American culture. -.- There will be references to it, it’s inevitable…Or maybe I’m just a coward for not fighting back the tide? XD Maybe it’s benefited us in some ways).

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