Tag Archives: life

So this is hilarious and slightly ironic

11 Feb

I’ve been diagnosed with ADD (or ADHD-PI, I’m assuming).

Ha ha ha.

Maybe I should just keep my old posts then.

I guess I don’t have to change my blog title.

Wow.

Good going teenage self, you’re funny.

I started this blog at 16, and now I’m 20, so we can see the difference then.

I’ve bought an ADHD planner (though the binding had sort of broken, but I’m too impatient to return). It’s really nice other than that. Maybe I’ll hot glue it down.

I want to hide these old embarrassing posts but if I keep it up it’d be cool too, just cause you can see how desperate I was back then. But then ajakfhkjsgh.

What makes this even funnier is that I’d first typed myself as an ENFP. This has all been very sudden and explains nearly everything weird about me. OHHH KNEW I WAS DIFFERENT WHICH MEANS SPECIAL WHICH MEANS I’M SPECIAL what, and the obsessive psychoanalyzing myself until now – I wasn’t even wrong, except with the wondering what the hell was wrong with my motivation. It was never a motivation problem, you don’t cry yourself to sleep at night wondering why you’re not motivated enough to get through a chapter of a subject you actually like and isn’t hard to understand, you know? It’s a focusing problem. So I’m 80% less depressed now. It was an amazing feeling. BUT MY GOD FINDING HELP, JESUS, TOOK ME A MONTH. I felt every rejection and roadbump like a knife. Bad enough I had to ask for it, bblehhh.

So all is good, well is life, on we go. I might add more to this later, lots of things.

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window-glasses

5 Aug

I don’t know why I get emotional (quietly) about my glasses and my eyes. Maybe because since I’m nearsighted, each year my prescription must be updated, and I can literally see (taking the glasses off) the world become blurrier within that week. Maybe it’s normal that your eyes so quickly rely on your glasses….less energy expended, right? Or just that it’s necessary….that your muscles weaken in order to adapt to the lens….I don’t really know…and somehow it’s an endless cycle of these muscles becoming weaker because they get used to the glasses, your vision becomes blurrier as a result, end up getting stronger glasses to correct the result, they become even weaker…..

Because my vision may have been degrading because my school never noticed until I turned 9, and my mother didn’t notice until I turned 10, but it was never this fast. It was never this fast. Every year? No way. There must have been some exponential increase of vision degradation after I got those damn glasses….

And now I always feel like I’m looking through a window. Even before I had glasses I hated how windows tinted the real world, and I’d want them open, so I could see the real trees, the real cars, feel the real air, see the real colors. I hated seeing these fake tinted trees. Like looking at a TV. I couldn’t really touch anything. But with the window open, anything was possible. I could run out to that house and run my fingers on that rough brick wall, I could go to that pole and feel the coolness of the metal, but with that window closed, all I could do was smudge that glass a bit and then I’d have to get some windex and clean it up….

Contacts sometimes helps dispel that illusion for me. I can forget sometimes. But most of the time, I feel the contacts irritating my eyes, I can always feel them. But sometimes, I see something and I become amazed at how clear it is or how close it is, or I touch it and I observe it and I feel some sense of wonder, and I remember that I’m wearing contacts and how clear they make everything, and I feel thankful and I shout a bit about how great contacts are. It happens when I’m living outside of my head, socializing  being active, running around, looking at everything and yelling – when I forget the irritating sensation in my eyes. Sometimes I’m also reminded when I go to push my glasses up and am surprised when there’s nothing hanging on the bridge of my nose. It’s been a 10 year habit, after all. (I’m sure many of you are familiar with that sensation. It’s funny sometimes, a pleasant surprise, but as for the actual maneuver sometimes it’s annoying to me because I feel like people think I’m doing it on purpose or I’m unsure whether they understood what just happened xD I should get over that, eh).

The reason I started writing this anyway….I was laying down on the grass and took my glasses off. The clouds in sky were too bright, and I wanted my arm to rest on my eyes, so I took my glasses off. I looked up again to see if clouds were that much blurrier with my normal vision, since they’re really just formless blobs anyways. It didn’t look much different, I think. I compared it a while, moving the glasses to my eyes and away without wearing it, like it was a monocle, but was having trouble since if they’re not close enough, everything is small, like a digital camera’s screen, but if I want to see it close up, I’ll have to fold the arm in and it’ll end up blocking my vision, and be distracting. So I gave up, and ended up noticing the grass in my peripheral vision, which I’m always wondering about because in the end stages of glaucoma (which I’ll end up developing if I don’t get those drops at whatever age I’ll need it – I’ve known this since I was 10. [made getting my first pair of glasses more interesting]) you lose that first, without noticing. So I always wonder about that, probably needlessly.

Anyway, in my peripheral vision, I saw the grass swaying and flittering about. Focusing back to the front of me, I noticed a tall tree a little far away – it looked fuzzy, a little undefined, but I still saw it – and it’s leaves were swaying too. The tree looked like it was breathing. The grass was swaying, falling, rising, dancing….The tree was inhaling, exhaling, edging to the left, to the right, up and down, the leaves were falling up, they were falling down, breathing for the trees, branches the capillaries of the earth…everything was part of one system. Breathing. It was like everything was breathing. Calm and relaxing. I felt like everything was one thing, just swaying around a little, but still connected to the earth, staring up at the sky. Kind of floating around, like feathers. And I haven’t felt this way for a long time, and I’ve been searching for this cool, calm, nostalgic, happy and sad and blank feeling, just actively this week, but I’ve been really missing it. It’s why I was trying to avoid the computer this week actually. I wanted that feeling back, it wasn’t exactly the same, but it was close, it was getting there, and I blamed the distractions of this world for taking it away from me and my own lack of discipline. And yeah, it’s been part of the problem…

But when I put those glasses back on, I don’t feel like the earth is rotating anymore. And I don’t see the tree breathing. The leaves are moving. The grass is moving. The tree is still. And my world is limited to the contents of the frame. My peripheral vision doesn’t count anymore. It’s a foggy mess. My world is bound to that window. The tree isn’t connected to the grass to the left and right of me and it isn’t reaching towards the sky. It disappears past the plastic sticks containing the glass. It disappears and becomes some fuzzy mess that doesn’t count. It’s roots melt past what I can see and disappear into nothingness. The foundation of everything becomes nothingness, it’s invisible and it’s something I can’t reach.

When I take my glasses off – it’s all out of focus, but I can see how everything relates to one another and how everything connects, and my peripheral vision counts, and when there is something closer to me on the side than in front of me, it’s often paradoxically more clear. It wasn’t like that before, but because of that my eyes dart to it and I see how it seamlessly, effortlessly melds into the picture. With my glasses, there’s a frame that separates the real peripheral, and the artificial center of focus. What really matters becomes artificial, what I can’t consider is real.

I don’t why it makes me emotional (quietly!). It makes me so sad. It depresses me. And I’m worried that I can’t get LASIK because my eyes are too…unstable? They change every year, my left eye is developing an astigmatism which is bad enough since for some reason I was always happy that at least my eyes matched (that’s a weird reason to be happy…), and I’m probably developing glaucoma. They might reject me. And if I search for a doctor that will approve me, try to force it, suppose something does goes wrong and I lose my vision forever? I’d still have my hearing….that doesn’t mean much to me in comparison to vision (maybe obviously?). One example. You sometimes hear people say, “music is my life,” “I’d die without music.” They’d rather have their hearing instead of vision, I assume. Most of them are probably using those phrases as hyperbole. I like music, but music isn’t life – I probably wouldn’t have given a shit if my mp3 or music was confiscated. Big whoop, I still have books. (I’ve never been that music-obsessed person. I had to work for any musical taste. Books were effortless, music was more….something I had to research extensively, and I considered it more of a social thing growing up. Not so much anymore, but….) But take my books away and I’d become absolutely furious. If I can’t see, then I can’t read. There’s braille at least, thank god.

But yeah. If I lost my eyes….before I fully understood what glaucoma was I would close my eyes and imagine….I think people do this sometimes regardless…but I still do now sometimes, and with more significance I think. My world will inevitably become a hazy indistinguishable mess (if I can’t have my vision corrected). It won’t be shrouded in darkness – I will be able to see light, colors melded together, a tree will melt and be unrecognizable against the giant blue expanse behind it. Like a messy watercolor painting. But it will amount to the same thing. I shouldn’t worry so much, but my eyes are this bad at 20….every year I get new glasses a sinking terrifying feeling….that the world is so fuzzy now, that I’m losing it with each pair, that eventually I won’t be able to see my hands unless they’re touching my face. They’re already kind of blurry a few inches away….the lens of my glasses will be so thick, I wonder if eventually they’ll have to be custom made the way people with big feet need to call to have shoes made.

I should be thankful that I can see at all. Thankful for glasses. I wonder how people without access to glasses, or even just updated prescriptions, live. They might take it in stride even. That’s just life.

If that doctor hadn’t told me that not wearing glasses can make your eyes worse since the muscles become strained and weak, I’d probably walk around whenever I felt, except maybe when crossing streets. It contradicts my theory that wearing glasses weakens your eyes and it confuses me, but either way maybe I might as well.

Maybe I should just go and try to get LASIK. And see an eye specialist first about the glaucoma just so I’m fully informed, since the LASIK doctors will probably ask it of me anyway. I’ll need to get the money first. If it will help get rid of my feelings of disconnect with the world….I wonder why I feel like that….and why not wearing glasses makes everything feel that much more real to me. I can understand how to an extent it can, but not this much…that I feel peace and collected and weirdly nostalgically harmonious (unless I’m searching for something without someone helping, of course. then it’s just overwhelm, stress, irritation). I don’t think most glasses-wearing people feel that way (the disconnect wearing glasses, the stress I can guarantee they feel). Usually it’s just annoyance about trying to plop down in bed and the uncomfortable reminder to take your glasses off as they smoosh against your face, and getting hit by something and your glasses breaking or the nose pads bruising the bridge of your nose, people thinking you’re ignoring them because they pass you and the angle they appear in your vision (like, you’re sitting down, they’re up) is that so their face doesn’t appear within the lens, etc…I’ve developed some weird psychological issue with them. Issues…..

I’ll be gone starting saturday for a week to get back to my default mood and wake up on time

27 Jul

I’ll be making more left-handed poems but I’ll post em lay-tor

maybe I’ll read moar

default mood: blank sort of stillness. it’s a quiet stillness. until it’s forced to speak. I forgot how it feels, but it’s been something I’ve been craving lately. I miss it, even though it’s not a particularly positive feeling (I don’t think it’s negative either….).

Thanks for the likes on my poems by the way! And in general! Much appreciations! Comments always encouraged, of course~ I might not respond timely though – I often hate talking! Weirdly though, I always enjoy reading the comments! Ah well.

I looooove wordpresssssssss….haha k bye.

I’m going to study root words for anatomy…

16 Jul

I think that’ll make it easier.

Medical root words. Oh geez, I think my grandmother’s niece-type is here. I’ve never met her before….she’s old too…..I should have said hi already…..

eeeeeeeeeeghhhh

and my sister and I have been bickering all day. but whatever. -__- and Roberto is annoying me, currently.

What do I want to do today……as in what else….we’re supposed to cook….but my sister is bothering me….ehh…maybe I’ll just cook it myself and watch Sherlock on my laptop…..though people will probably complain.

Also my stepmom and dad might not be divorcing, HAH! That intervention thing might actually have worked.

And my “L” key isn’t working so I’m copy and pasting it most of the time. Yup. Not capital L’s though.

Here, watch.

I ove the show My Fair ady. I mean movie not show. Haaaah. I heard Juie Andrews was up for the roe but it didn’t work out. I think Audrey Hepburn made more sense too though (how woud I know, but) just because Juie Andrews is so refined and cassy and I don’t know if she could’ve brought that initia air of vugarity that Audrey brought, hahahhah so awfu.

Okay, see. Wala. Walah. Voila. Woooooooooooooow

feelings and thoughts reblog

14 Jul

“Not recklessly shoving them into a useless chain of over-thinking, but rather stalk them into productive thoughts; into creativity.”

Often what traps me. Trying to force it instead of following it….especially when I am in the moment….and then I need a pen….and everyone around me becomes frustrated. I ask to borrow their brains xD Partly hold this thought, but more like, assist me as I think out loud, follow me into my mind, but of course, they can’t manage that. I love all this though. This entire post is love poetry and lucid perfection. This is a complete thought because it is life and can’t hold the fullness of it’s definition. It’s like it’s own universe. And I completely agree and simultaneously question what it voices. And I’m in love with it and, initially speaking in description but now speaking literally, want to put it on the wall of my mind palace, haha, now that I know such a thing is actually a thing and have created one for myself. I am having trouble….or well…it’s supposed to be a memory cue thing right….Okay, getting off-topic now….

The R Premises

There is a thought growing in my head. Wilder and wilder. I cannot tame, I cannot domesticate. I cannot suppress to fall within the meaningless margins of logic. There are feelings that bounce with every heart beat. Contradictory and controversial. I cannot tone down, I cannot keep inside for too long. I cannot  incorporate into the barracks of sense. There is music, playing at the back of my head. Shuffling, with the shuffling of my thoughts and feelings. I cannot pause, I cannot mute. I can only keep it playing, louder and louder…

I think, therefore I am. I feel, therefore I exist.

What are we without the complexity our thoughts impose? What are we without the turmoil of emotions and unexplained feelings we behold? Both are interlinked, our thoughts and feelings. Both collide. Both bounce in ourselves making our existence worth living.

Every thought counts. No matter how trivial…

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Schedules…

6 Jul

I had tried to make a schedule late the night before yesterday and it was pretty general and by the hour, because I wanted to see if I could even generally accomplish those tasks within the prescribed hours, and because I know there would be some inconvenient distractions that might make me divert from my plans a little bit, but I felt like it couldn’t possibly take up a full hour. So, here’s how it was supposed to go, and I’ll follow up with a ‘how it really went’ right after the list.

7AM – wake, wash face, brush teeth, brush hair, (wake sister to walk)
8AM – walk.  (buy melatonin tablets from nearby supermarket for $4)
9AM – walk back.
10AM – make breakfast (read a little Sherlock too while things cook and while eating)
11AM – do the dishes, make the beds
12PM – make a driver’s ed powerpoint to help me study
1PM – make a driver’s ed powerpoint to help me study
2PM – make a driver’s ed powerpoint to help me study
3:30PM – get lunch started since dad is home at 4
4PM – eat lunch (read a little) (Coffee/Dr.Phil show – it’s a family thing…)
5PM – dishes. clean room if kids have exploded it and we are also in trouble, but try to force them to help, or generally clean whatever my stepmom wants to clean that day
6PM – job applications? ask about nearby places I could work at….
7PM – gravity/weight/matter videos at KhanAcademy.org
8PM – make dinner (leftovers hopefully?)
9PM – shower, PJs, clothes ready, read for thirty minutes
10PM – 6:40PM (added later) – Sleep, sharp! Take a melatonin tablet right before if they really were $4

How it really went, or as it says on this paper, “Actual!” –

7:20 AM – officially wake up. Honestly learned something amazing comparing the extraordinarily dulled thought process of a half-asleep person to the same person 10 minutes later who’s mind has become more lucid and is able to answer all the questions of half-asleep person with a quick, and ready – maybe even anxious – response.

  •  e.g. why am I trying to wake up so early? what did I need to do? why am I still in bed? oh yeah I need a reason to get up. what was that reason? what do I have to do? why should I wake up….
  • (wrestles with a broken snooze button for 2 minutes) OH YEAH I NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY BECAUSE MY SLEEP SCHEDULE IS SHIT AND I SPENT 45 MINUTES MAKING A SCHEDULE LAST NIGHT AT 1 AM BECAUSE I COULDN’T SLEEP AND FELL ASLEEP AT 3 SO I NEED TO GO WALK TO THE STORE TO GET MELATONIN PILLS TO FIX THAT AND I NEED A JOB AND TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE AND STUDY CHEMISTRY….

anyways, then I woke up my sister, who got up pretty fast actually….

7:35AM – Start walking.  (bought melatonin tablets from nearby supermarket for half price because the cashier is awesome, my dad has a membership card, and the self-checkout machines let you type in your registered phone number if you don’t have the card on you…)
8:46AM – back. “never again w/o BREAKFAST” (this is on my paper, along with many crossed out lines, and numerous “JK’s”). then we ate rice krispies with chocolate syrup drizzled on it.
9AM – sister and I started making funnel cakes for the first time
9:55AM – [“read also” is crossed out, and “JK” is written next to it]
10:50AM – Mac & Cheese and funnel cakes are done, ate, read a little Sherlock♥
11:38AM – we’d decided to wake the kids up so we could wash the dishes in one go. sister and I made a deal that I’d clean all breakfast dishes and she’d do the rest that day. kids eat funnel cake, dishes start, Roberto helps.

  • some points – mac and cheese was for the mac and cheese balls I wanted to make for dinner.
  • the youngest one is 6 and we will call him Zim. Zim tasted the funnel cake and decided it was too sweet for him, which is fine because a) it is pretty sweet, and b) a few weeks earlier at a birthday party he’d kept telling people who offered him cake that “Dr. Sharp told me not to eat cake because I’m allergic to it.” You might ask why I made him cake at all then….I had later found out that Dr. Sharp is an optometrist and a doctor has never told him anything of the sort. So I figured, he might just not like cake.
  • anyway Zim demanded some watermelon, he ate less than half the slice and said he was full, ditched us, and came back later when his mother had woken up and I was doing the dishes asking where his cream cheese sandwich was. There was a lot going on at this point, and I think this is when my whole daily irritation/frustration stress thing started building up. (I cannot multitask I think)

12:33PM – Dishes are done, I’d eaten, my stepmom told me what lunch was going to be so I knew I wouldn’t have to cook.
– 3:59PM – Got very little done with the Driver’s Ed Powerpoint. Realized I hadn’t given myself a ‘shitting around on the computer’ time and kind of spent these hours doing both. So, messed around on wordpress, facebook a little, barely tumblr, and driver’s ed. Got some easy slides out of the way.
4PM –  Not sure what I did. I remember wandering around, thinking I was supposed to be cleaning the fridge but not being able to because my dad and sister were setting something up and were in the way….I looked pretty obviously unsure of myself too….hmm….What I do remember is my oldest/11 year old brother, whom we will call Salman, ate my remaining funnel cake and was using my computer to study how to write in our other language.

  • really just clicked the letters of the alphabet and listened to the guy saying them.
  • because of this…

5PM – 9 year old brother, whom we will call Roberto, got my laptop to study the letters while I quizzed Salman using paper and pen. I really don’t know why they didn’t use their own laptop, but I was busy quizzing Salman at this point anyway. After a long while of spaced-out looks, him showing me that he knew how to write his name IN ENGLISH and exclamations of “this is eeeaasy, I don’t need this to help me…” and getting everything wrong without “this” (a reference guide) I quit in a frenzied frustration and tried to study chemistry instead. But then Roberto, asked me for help because at some point he had logged onto KhanAcademy and was doing multiples involving 3-digit numbers and 1-digit numbers, I believe. I didn’t get much done with Chemistry. Then he started doing 3-digit and 2-digit numbers and I didn’t get any Chemistry done and I’m not sure if I helped….

  • I might not be a good teacher. Or it could be that it’s supposed to be this slow if the person isn’t that interested. Which is also frustrating.
  • I learned from Chemistry: subatomic particles that make up matter called atoms
  • Mostly I just doodled my mind palace out because I wasn’t sure where to put the microscope on top of a block. so I installed a new chemistry lab-bench….all this furniture….is this how it’s supposed to work…??
  • haha totally gave away the reason I started reading Sherlock Holmes in the first place, pahahaha. But =___= The books are really good. I don’t want to start critiquing the show, dammit!!
  • err, back on topic.

6PM – ate delicious food my stepmom made, which i want to finish now before other people do, cleaned a little.
6:20PM – drank coffee with the the parents. something was on TV but I don’t remember what. Dr. Phil? Read some Sherlock.
7:05PM – Coffee finished.
– 8PM – Fed kids chicken nuggets. Helped serve guests. Sister had been sick until now, woke up and did lunch’s and dinner’s dishes in one go.
9PM – showered, got ready to sleep, helped dad with computer stuff.
10:32PM – computer stuff still.
11:36PM – finally finished. took melatonin, went to bed, Roberto decided to sleep with me.
12:00PM – awake. Salman ended up coming down too. we all LOL’d about dreams and such until 2AM.
2AM – finally slept I think.

Today:
9:46AM – woke up confused, fixed alarm clock.
10:11AM – planned to use laptop to make new schedule ended up blogging until 11:45AM.

But now that I’ve written it out, I can plan it out better and see how inefficient it is.