Tag Archives: rant


5 Aug

I don’t know why I get emotional (quietly) about my glasses and my eyes. Maybe because since I’m nearsighted, each year my prescription must be updated, and I can literally see (taking the glasses off) the world become blurrier within that week. Maybe it’s normal that your eyes so quickly rely on your glasses….less energy expended, right? Or just that it’s necessary….that your muscles weaken in order to adapt to the lens….I don’t really know…and somehow it’s an endless cycle of these muscles becoming weaker because they get used to the glasses, your vision becomes blurrier as a result, end up getting stronger glasses to correct the result, they become even weaker…..

Because my vision may have been degrading because my school never noticed until I turned 9, and my mother didn’t notice until I turned 10, but it was never this fast. It was never this fast. Every year? No way. There must have been some exponential increase of vision degradation after I got those damn glasses….

And now I always feel like I’m looking through a window. Even before I had glasses I hated how windows tinted the real world, and I’d want them open, so I could see the real trees, the real cars, feel the real air, see the real colors. I hated seeing these fake tinted trees. Like looking at a TV. I couldn’t really touch anything. But with the window open, anything was possible. I could run out to that house and run my fingers on that rough brick wall, I could go to that pole and feel the coolness of the metal, but with that window closed, all I could do was smudge that glass a bit and then I’d have to get some windex and clean it up….

Contacts sometimes helps dispel that illusion for me. I can forget sometimes. But most of the time, I feel the contacts irritating my eyes, I can always feel them. But sometimes, I see something and I become amazed at how clear it is or how close it is, or I touch it and I observe it and I feel some sense of wonder, and I remember that I’m wearing contacts and how clear they make everything, and I feel thankful and I shout a bit about how great contacts are. It happens when I’m living outside of my head, socializing  being active, running around, looking at everything and yelling – when I forget the irritating sensation in my eyes. Sometimes I’m also reminded when I go to push my glasses up and am surprised when there’s nothing hanging on the bridge of my nose. It’s been a 10 year habit, after all. (I’m sure many of you are familiar with that sensation. It’s funny sometimes, a pleasant surprise, but as for the actual maneuver sometimes it’s annoying to me because I feel like people think I’m doing it on purpose or I’m unsure whether they understood what just happened xD I should get over that, eh).

The reason I started writing this anyway….I was laying down on the grass and took my glasses off. The clouds in sky were too bright, and I wanted my arm to rest on my eyes, so I took my glasses off. I looked up again to see if clouds were that much blurrier with my normal vision, since they’re really just formless blobs anyways. It didn’t look much different, I think. I compared it a while, moving the glasses to my eyes and away without wearing it, like it was a monocle, but was having trouble since if they’re not close enough, everything is small, like a digital camera’s screen, but if I want to see it close up, I’ll have to fold the arm in and it’ll end up blocking my vision, and be distracting. So I gave up, and ended up noticing the grass in my peripheral vision, which I’m always wondering about because in the end stages of glaucoma (which I’ll end up developing if I don’t get those drops at whatever age I’ll need it – I’ve known this since I was 10. [made getting my first pair of glasses more interesting]) you lose that first, without noticing. So I always wonder about that, probably needlessly.

Anyway, in my peripheral vision, I saw the grass swaying and flittering about. Focusing back to the front of me, I noticed a tall tree a little far away – it looked fuzzy, a little undefined, but I still saw it – and it’s leaves were swaying too. The tree looked like it was breathing. The grass was swaying, falling, rising, dancing….The tree was inhaling, exhaling, edging to the left, to the right, up and down, the leaves were falling up, they were falling down, breathing for the trees, branches the capillaries of the earth…everything was part of one system. Breathing. It was like everything was breathing. Calm and relaxing. I felt like everything was one thing, just swaying around a little, but still connected to the earth, staring up at the sky. Kind of floating around, like feathers. And I haven’t felt this way for a long time, and I’ve been searching for this cool, calm, nostalgic, happy and sad and blank feeling, just actively this week, but I’ve been really missing it. It’s why I was trying to avoid the computer this week actually. I wanted that feeling back, it wasn’t exactly the same, but it was close, it was getting there, and I blamed the distractions of this world for taking it away from me and my own lack of discipline. And yeah, it’s been part of the problem…

But when I put those glasses back on, I don’t feel like the earth is rotating anymore. And I don’t see the tree breathing. The leaves are moving. The grass is moving. The tree is still. And my world is limited to the contents of the frame. My peripheral vision doesn’t count anymore. It’s a foggy mess. My world is bound to that window. The tree isn’t connected to the grass to the left and right of me and it isn’t reaching towards the sky. It disappears past the plastic sticks containing the glass. It disappears and becomes some fuzzy mess that doesn’t count. It’s roots melt past what I can see and disappear into nothingness. The foundation of everything becomes nothingness, it’s invisible and it’s something I can’t reach.

When I take my glasses off – it’s all out of focus, but I can see how everything relates to one another and how everything connects, and my peripheral vision counts, and when there is something closer to me on the side than in front of me, it’s often paradoxically more clear. It wasn’t like that before, but because of that my eyes dart to it and I see how it seamlessly, effortlessly melds into the picture. With my glasses, there’s a frame that separates the real peripheral, and the artificial center of focus. What really matters becomes artificial, what I can’t consider is real.

I don’t why it makes me emotional (quietly!). It makes me so sad. It depresses me. And I’m worried that I can’t get LASIK because my eyes are too…unstable? They change every year, my left eye is developing an astigmatism which is bad enough since for some reason I was always happy that at least my eyes matched (that’s a weird reason to be happy…), and I’m probably developing glaucoma. They might reject me. And if I search for a doctor that will approve me, try to force it, suppose something does goes wrong and I lose my vision forever? I’d still have my hearing….that doesn’t mean much to me in comparison to vision (maybe obviously?). One example. You sometimes hear people say, “music is my life,” “I’d die without music.” They’d rather have their hearing instead of vision, I assume. Most of them are probably using those phrases as hyperbole. I like music, but music isn’t life – I probably wouldn’t have given a shit if my mp3 or music was confiscated. Big whoop, I still have books. (I’ve never been that music-obsessed person. I had to work for any musical taste. Books were effortless, music was more….something I had to research extensively, and I considered it more of a social thing growing up. Not so much anymore, but….) But take my books away and I’d become absolutely furious. If I can’t see, then I can’t read. There’s braille at least, thank god.

But yeah. If I lost my eyes….before I fully understood what glaucoma was I would close my eyes and imagine….I think people do this sometimes regardless…but I still do now sometimes, and with more significance I think. My world will inevitably become a hazy indistinguishable mess (if I can’t have my vision corrected). It won’t be shrouded in darkness – I will be able to see light, colors melded together, a tree will melt and be unrecognizable against the giant blue expanse behind it. Like a messy watercolor painting. But it will amount to the same thing. I shouldn’t worry so much, but my eyes are this bad at 20….every year I get new glasses a sinking terrifying feeling….that the world is so fuzzy now, that I’m losing it with each pair, that eventually I won’t be able to see my hands unless they’re touching my face. They’re already kind of blurry a few inches away….the lens of my glasses will be so thick, I wonder if eventually they’ll have to be custom made the way people with big feet need to call to have shoes made.

I should be thankful that I can see at all. Thankful for glasses. I wonder how people without access to glasses, or even just updated prescriptions, live. They might take it in stride even. That’s just life.

If that doctor hadn’t told me that not wearing glasses can make your eyes worse since the muscles become strained and weak, I’d probably walk around whenever I felt, except maybe when crossing streets. It contradicts my theory that wearing glasses weakens your eyes and it confuses me, but either way maybe I might as well.

Maybe I should just go and try to get LASIK. And see an eye specialist first about the glaucoma just so I’m fully informed, since the LASIK doctors will probably ask it of me anyway. I’ll need to get the money first. If it will help get rid of my feelings of disconnect with the world….I wonder why I feel like that….and why not wearing glasses makes everything feel that much more real to me. I can understand how to an extent it can, but not this much…that I feel peace and collected and weirdly nostalgically harmonious (unless I’m searching for something without someone helping, of course. then it’s just overwhelm, stress, irritation). I don’t think most glasses-wearing people feel that way (the disconnect wearing glasses, the stress I can guarantee they feel). Usually it’s just annoyance about trying to plop down in bed and the uncomfortable reminder to take your glasses off as they smoosh against your face, and getting hit by something and your glasses breaking or the nose pads bruising the bridge of your nose, people thinking you’re ignoring them because they pass you and the angle they appear in your vision (like, you’re sitting down, they’re up) is that so their face doesn’t appear within the lens, etc…I’ve developed some weird psychological issue with them. Issues…..


somehow this turned into a hate post towards the tower of doom ride

20 Jul


if i go to elitches tomorrow

i will ride terrifying rides to terrify the ghost out of me

no i probably won’t

i don’t usually push myself to those points

not that i fear rollercoasters

more like the tower of doom

that shit











…there is a cheaper amusement park close to this house, and it’s a shorter version of it. I went on it twice. I don’t know why. I was pressured on, and got off jittery as fuck. Like I had overdosed on caffeine. The adrenaline was so delicious I went on again. TERRIBLE TERRIBLE. NEVER AGAIN. My 11 year old brother next to me genuinely confused and sincerely asking as we rose up fr the second time “Why am I going on this again? Why did I do this?” and I had no other answer except “I don’t know. I don’t knoooow….sorry. okay shush.” just because talking was making me panic more. And he died. I mean, he was just like EYAAAAGHAGHAKJGNEIT inside. I am awful moral support, I’m sorry baby bro, I’m glad you went on with me, that shit was terrifying. I would’ve held your hand if I hadn’t been scared of breaking your wrist. Also, I don’t think that’s allowed. Glad they don’t take pictures.

God’s Love and My Greed XD

5 Dec

Does God seem a bit dispassionate to you? Like you’re not special – he’s just collecting as many followers as he can. That seems more like a devil figure, trying to collect as many souls as possible as an affront to God, but right now, to me it seems the same on his part, just with prettier words. It’s like none of us has a special soul – it’s all in general. Sure we hear people say we all have special talents and we’re all important in God’s plan – like a chess game almost. The pieces are all important – even the pawns. It seems so strategic. We all have worth, that’s good to know. I understand that he loves us, because he sent his son to die for us. But it feels like everything is too general – I’m being greedy. I think I want to be loved, but with a sort of consuming desire, so with a passion. I want someone to really want to spend time with me, and I want to feel the same way. I want someone who can’t wait to see my face and who gets excited that they finally get to be able to talk with me, and I want to feel the same way – and I want us to be able to discern this because we’re unable to resist smiling when we find each other. Kind of how…when your parent picks you up from school or something. You can’t help but smile when you meet eyes, usually. Sometimes I see my sister suppress this when she’s mad at my mom (usually she doesn’t need to of course). I can tell why romantic love between..eh, couples, is so…idealized – the love is obsessive and you feel wanted, and it probably makes you feel good. Maybe it’s a vanity thing. I think it’s…horrible of me to want more out of God, because of the sacrifice he made so that humanity could live – but it’s difficult for me to connect with the Almighty God because the death of his son was for the sake of humanity. It’s too general for me to relate to..surprisingly. Too broad. The whole world. All living people. On top of that, he’s God and he loves me? The creator loves his creation. A little more believable there. All-powerful. Getting difficult, but not too much. Master of the Universe. Doesn’t really communicate in a way that I can understand. Having trouble talking to him. Can’t feel he’s there all the time. The sky looks like wallpaper to me sometimes, and other’s it spans towards infinity. I get those moments where I see reality cold-blank (not point-blank. It’s kinda cold), staring at me, and it sends my head reeling – if this is what atheists feel all the time, I can see why they might think we’re clinging to this spirituality thing to avoid dealing with reality just plain like that. It feels like there are opposite poles of enlightenment. And I’ve been having those moments of weird-seeing-the-world-as-it-is since I was a kid. It feels weird. Like you really awake and all your senses are alive XDD and the world is facing you but there’s no sense or meaning or logic in anything. Yeesh. If you live always ‘awake’ like that then it’s easy to see religion and stuff equaling the whole “Ignorance is bliss” deal.

But then..if you look for love in other places, I hear it’s not enough. Cause humans are fallible, and so their love isn’t perfect, and won’t really satisfy or fill you up like God’s can. Sounds like human love is just a sample of God’s love, or a watered down or not-as-good version. Knock off? XD But all love is true, isn’t it? Well…Anyways. Humans get angry at God too though…Mm, train of thought got exploded by dynamite there. The peace you feel when you’re in love and it’s alright won’t be like the peace you get when you experience God’s love? Or Heaven?

Hmm, got off-topic. I’m lost. Hah.

I was trying to realize what my issue was that I couldn’t really grasp this, and I’m thinking this might be it. I don’t really socialize to make people love me, and I don’t really believe in boyfriends and romance – especially high school romance. I do like love though, especially when it’s more of a friend or family type of love. I thought of this through a series of clicks that got me thinking. XD I skimmed through some pages in a christian book and it kind of talked about nature helping you feel God..better (like nature-nature..hiking and stuff, no outside world noise..or city anyways, and you’re not surrounded by buildings or man-made stuffs). I feel that sometimes. But gosh, is my connection to God gonna be limited or determined by the weather and my location?? That’s fine for a starting point, but I’m not taking off from there. It has to start with real love I think. And I feel like it’s almost unrequited, and that I’m making flimsy shallow attempts at trying to love him, like I’m somewhat interested but it’s not enough. Doesn’t love require encouragement from another part – or does love not ask anything in return (including loving a person back) – or are we supposed to find his immense capacity of love by loving him alone ourselves until realizing he loved us more that we can understand this whole time? So, through his workings, he makes us initiate the love? I’m stuck.

Also for the whole nature thing, it sounded to me like it was some kind of human instinct, when surrounded by something like that that they didn’t create , something obviously not man-made, to assume some greater being did. The instinct to jump to the assumption that a God exists when surrounded in the natural world. And either thats truth or that’s a common human flaw or fallacy in judgement, kinda. A psychological thing that’ll maybe someday be explained away and never be put to rest (it’ll eventually come down to, does God exist and is this truth written in our subconscious, or is this trait in humans what links us together and keeps our survival by keeping us sane – nature gave us a conscience and the defense against it so we didn’t go mad and destroy ourselves/others.

Blaah…I feel like God isn’t that in love with me, and of course, that I’m not in love with him – which is my problem. Even the relationships around me seem kindaa apathetic sometimes – not usually. Not as true as it can be. I know they all love me though, and I love them. BECAUSE I CAN SEE THEM…And because I see the evidence of their love, maybe daily. Looking for evidence of God’s love is easy – I read someone say it’s easy cause all you have to do is attribute all the beautiful things to him. I’ll add ‘good’ to that too. But if I can’t feel him, how can I truly thank him or believe he loves me. My heart doesn’t move at his love often – sometimes, and I get excited when it happens. The stars are really cool to me. @_@

yaaaaah….I also feel like I should say G-d and Him. But that’s fake respect or reverence. I can’t feel him. It’s wrong to lie about it I think. Though it’d be worse to disrespect him…It’s hard to be honest or write sincerely when you have to fake modesty like that. Like that whole white on the outside but black and hollow on the inside vase deal. What was it?

Matthew 23:27 – Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men’s bones, and of all uncleanness.

What is it about words? The more ancient they are the more sacred they sound. Does everything feel more sacred or holy with age?

…s’ka-doosh. XD [hehe, figure that out]

Missing Jigsaw piece, HAH

28 Oct

I’ve been wondering for 2 years now whether I should surrender myself completely to homework and make it my first priority and stop thinking about anything else, or…not. I think in black and white I guess – it’s definitely an easier way to organize the world. Mediation is too complicated and boring and hazy. Fear me.

For the whole ‘being responsible’ thing. I thought I wouldn’t have time for anything else if I do this – I’m kinda right. The person at school who’s ranked #1 said she worked and then slept – she had little time for anything else, and in her spare time she studied I think. This would be OK and logical I guess, work like crazy now, have a good rest of your life – but I was worried about getting stuck in a pattern, not being able to philosophize about my situation and think about life or anything other than the present. I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle. I get an image of the crowded streets of New York XD. Everyone’s walking fast, busy, some people talking on the phone, everyone’s got somewhere to be – but they don’t have time for anything else?? It’s all about work and then they die…. What kind of life is that? Work, work, work. It’s to survive, but living life only to survive is no good. Even in countries where it’s all about working to survive and getting food, they have social lives. I saw that Kingsley’s Crossing video in class this month, and he mentioned that. And the whole ‘unexamined life is not worth living’ thing. I think Sophocles was a rich dude though, like the rest of those damn genius philosophers – they’re all rich people with time…but at least they weren’t idle, they changed history..

So I was scared that if I started working, I’d be totally immersed in my work and I’d get stuck. I’m the kind of person who hates being interrupted when I’ve finally started focusing on something. Like reading a book, washing the dishes (sometimes), trying to figure out what the next note is when figuring out a song (HAHAHA – I don’t play piano well though, at all), writing, doing homework, drawing sometimes, etc. I become very irritable, exasperated, and everything I say sounds sharp and bitter and impatient – kinda condescending cause I want them to leave already. And as a result the person interrupting gets angry and leaves after – my sister usually says something spiteful on her way out just to have the last word, but I don’t really care at that point..or I do but I’m just happy no one’s annoying me anymore. Anyways, I guess I probably deserve it…tch. HAH. My mom gets a little pissed though, and I try not to keep going but it could goes like this (keep in mind my mom is a very sarcastic person – she speaks evil with wide eyes, a cocked head, and a large smile on her face):

*knock knock* (doors locked)

me: Whaaaat?

*knock knock*
Me: Who is it?!

*knock knock*


*knock knock*

Me: WHAT?!

Mom: Open the door! D:<

Me: What?! Why, I said ‘who is it’ you didn’t answer. >:O

Mom: What?? (I talk fast when I’m angry sometimes)

Me: AAAAGH, What do you want!?

Mom: I need to see if you’re working. Open the door.

Me: Why didn’t you just say so?! Gooood [God] *opens door goes back to work area.*

Mom: Eeeeh, Why are you so mad?! >:E

Me: Becaaause I said who is it and – ugh – I’m working, ok?!

Mom: So?! Why did you lock the door?

Me: Cause I don’t want anyone to disturb me!

Mom: Oooh?? Like who?!

Me: Like you or [sister]! What do you want??

Mom: I need to see if you’re working and not sleeping! [legitimate reason – and a good jab]

Me: I AM WORKING. You’re bothering me, go away! *shoo fly hands* Gosh.

Mom: What did you get done?


Mom: What work?! EH? Show me!

Me [pissed]: I DID THIS, THIS, THIS! *points, or throws, or explains that this work is taking a while*

Mom: What is it?

Me: ENGLISH PAPER, SCIENCE…worksheet, and vocab.

Mom: For what?


Mom: Ok, that’s all I wanted to know. Gooood. *voice trailing away while talking under her breath out loud XD* DON’T LOCK THE DOOR, I’M GOING TO CHECK ON YOU. [yells this]

Me (exasperated and crawled to the door – I work on the ground): I’LL OPEN IT LATER! (locks door)

So I get really into the zone when I get to working. My cousin does that too, and we’ve realized that we’re both scared of doing that and actively avoid it XD. Sometimes I avoid it without knowing I’m avoiding it – like my mom said I’m easily distracted and I’m good at distracting others and myself. I’m quiet in school though, so no need to worry about my peers. But what I do is I won’t let any thought get away – if I realize or think about something when work needs to be done, I chase it and I’ll have a discussion about it with someone and it’ll keep creating new conversations – like a tree, bwahahha. The branches and all keep separating..yeah, anywayz (king of similes and other figurative language, right here folks – who speaks plainly now-a-days, really?) . And it’ll take a long time for the person to realize that we’ve diverged from the work issue again. Then when people are trying to be really serious I start entertaining myself by dancing or singing annoyingly or jumping, running around, talking to myself, laughing etc. Then I get exhausted or contemplative and eventually my mood becomes somber. Symptoms of a manic-depressive? hahhaha, borderline *cackles* Don’t worry I know everything is my fault :).

Right. So…Hahaha, I should write scripts when I’m older. I allow you to borrow it for drama class *salutes you while grinning.*

Ok, ok ok focus. I was also wondering about how this would affect me with the whole religion thing. I kinda think that the most religious people were Monks or those people who separate themselves from society and worldy troubles, live modestly, and are totally enlightened – this sounds kinda like Buddhism or something to me, but I am Christian – psh, in name only, hah, I suck. Struggling ~♪. So the person I admire most in the bible is John the Baptist. He seems fearless – renegade! So I can’t help but look at society and the churches critically, especially with my limited understanding of the bible and having not read the words of the other disciples or everything that Jesus has said. People say there is no shame in wanting things or wanting money – but I can’t see how it’s not shameful, especially when I look at JB. And those people on the Christian TV shows and radio preaching financial advice at you. If we’re supposed to ‘be perfect’ should we all become monks, and beggars, preaching about the bible? I had been thinking before, we’re not supposed to worry about that stuff, and the whole lilies of the field, the birds being fed, how we’re more valuable than the birds, God’ll take care of us, etc.

So this week, my mom was lecturing me for being lazy. I am lazy, by the way, but this is part of my reason…Oh wait, there was another thing (definitely a train of thought blog – or just unorganized. Flatter me).

I also was scared, I realized, of losing myself, or my current self and personality. Like my crazyness, and unstable random self, who people have to watch out for and take care of, since I’m so absent-minded and careless.

It’s kinda like….Well, I realized I was guilty of something, sort of – this manga chapter was all about it – it isn’t a romance one or anything -_-;, it’s some sort of satire, comedy, dark-humor, random thing with this sensei who’s always trying to commit suicide and can only see things in a negative light. Anyways, here:

This Page. Then this page.

This quote is best: “Even though they’re inferior in every way, they have an attitude like they’re winning. Negative pride is spreading in this world.”

It’s truuuue. T_T This mangaka is genius. If you disagree, what about that stupid evil song, “You’re a jerk.” 60% of it is saying “You’re a jerk”, and 20% of it is “I know.” The rest of the song I didn’t catch, I was too busy writhing and screaming, “WELL IF YOU KNOW, F***** FIX IT YOU BASTARD!!”

I hate that song. Anyways, I think it’s cause having a virtue like being responsible, compassion, focused, brave – well, maybe not brave, this is civilized society, there aren’t that many flashy opportunities to display bravery [I’ll talk about this some other time] – it’s sounds cliche and common and boring now. It’s more unique to have faults because having faults makes you human and different. We like our heroes flawed. The anti-hero is popular now-a-days. And it LOOKS EASY to be responsible. Maybe it is for some people. And they don’t see the point in it – it doesn’t make you feel unique – I wouldn’t know, but that’s my rationalization of it. Proclaiming “I’m picky!” is something you say with gusto almost. Maybe flaws are more relate-able, and it’s not completely immodest to boast about a fault. I think we all want to boast, but all we can boast about with security are our flaws. Otherwise we’ll come across as pig-headed. And its ‘our life’ anyways.

Right got off-topic again.

I’ll repeat what I said since I completely diverged from it. I also was scared of losing myself, or my current self. Like my crazyness, and unstable random self, who people have to watch out for and take care of, since I’m so absent-minded and careless. I don’t want to change myself, even if it’s for the better, because everything will change as a result. (My universe I mean, the eyes I look at the world with? The perspective) It’s too scary to think about. I don’t like change I guess. Even my personality kinda reflects that – my insanity is predictable. My sister knows I’m gonna say something crazy and unexpected, and what her reaction might be, but she doesn’t know what it is exactly. Maybe everyone is like that. *shrug* Personality is a weird word, by the way. I don’t like it much right now..

I said before that I go with the flow in some situations, so I have to change myself to be responsible, when I’m being kinda my other self in another house, but even if I do have to change into a more responsible person temporarily, my lazyness catches up to me. But I force myself to do my chores or something if I can’t bribe my sister to do it. XD So I know I am lazy for sure, but that’s something I want to deal with head-on later (I dislike obstacles o_o. I prefer dealing with the issue alone, not all the mess around it. I’m too simple-minded. XD)

So I didn’t want to change because I was concerned with my present self dieing off. And my teacher didn’t help, when he explained the “Death and Rebirth” archetype to us, about twenty times [for good reason, I’m not mocking him, just my agitation at having to hear this more than once]. He said the old self DIES COMPLETELY, NO MORE. Poof. Some funny joke about it’s dead-ness. So the whole ‘born again Christian’ thing, being saved also worried me. That was before, but this tied in with it since I heard it out loud, and in a classroom…blah.

I mean…I don’t know what kind of person I’d become, how my life would change, how my relationships with the people around me would change, I don’t even know what to do after I become ‘saved’. And I thought about it, and I thought that I don’t even know how to become ‘born again,’ and realized a little that it might be because I don’t want to kill [XD] my present self and that it’s cause of my uncertainty, and maybe my cowardice. So I let go of that for a while, the religious part of changing and haven’t thought about it much till, maybe today in the car (passenger seat; I’m doing a public service and keeping off the road for as long as possible -_- [laaazy+scared]), where I usually think about these things.

So my thinking had been blocked in that area for a while. The choices seemed to be, either become boring, responsible, dead-souled, workaholic until death possibly, or stay the same, maybe find something to be passionate about and possibly find God someday. I occasionally thought about how work and God could be compatible XD…I could work hard to become a doctor and open a free clinic with my money and help people and be selfless that way. Haha. But that’s as far as I got, kinda alone.

Ok. Now this is the part where I explain my mom lecturing me. Thought I forgot, eh? Hehe….Or maybe you forgot. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about actually. Muhahahaha, you poor soul, you. *pats head sympathetically while chuckling with a slightly manic demon grin*

Bleh, hate the word ‘chuckling’ too. Chuckle. XP

It was Saturday I think, and my mom was picking me up from the college (It’s like duel credit classes, but not – settle for this explanation, or I’ll have to bore you and no one will benefit from this, short or long term..maybe I over-complicate things too o.o By being simple-minded. Yes, that could work. You are on a roller coaster my friend, called the Journey of Meezletoe’s Self-Discovery. Watch out for the angst, it’ll give you whip lash!) and since my grades are god-awful, terrible and evil, she was talking to me about them. ^^ And asked me what the problem was, like she does sometimes….And I told her I think too much about stuff and that I’m lazy. And she said ‘like what?’. And we had an interesting conversation. I said something about stars and electricity and street lamps and cities and the sun and energy orbs and the sun and the anti-christ and the inevitable end of the world and sunglasses – I’ll talk about that some other time – it was one idea, those things were related. Haha, ‘nother weird look into meh mind. Hm. So then, so she didn’t think I onnnly think about stupid stuff, I told her the whole John the Babtist, monks, college stuff. And eventually the discussion ended up with her saying that ‘what can we do, we need to eat’, and I said the birds eat thing, and she said I can’t do nothing and not work though and just sit there and say ‘God will take care of me!’ So, I was like AHHH :D. She was having difficulty answering my questions at first, and she got that. I was worried she wouldn’t have an answer for me. So I have even more respect for parents in general now. You guys are finding answers in your pockets from God or something. It’s like ehhh, ehh, OH RIGHT, POINT! HA-HA, THWART ME NOW, CHILD!! She didn’t give me that ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ crap either. Yesss, my mom is awesome. *dances the macarena* I don’t think she’s ever given me that, except for in situations where I knew she was right when she said that, but that was when I was like 7. (“I’LL ALWAYS LOVE BARBIES!” “Hah, just wait when you’re older.” “NEVEEERRR!”)

So. Then today, I was doing the whole…habitual comparing the weather to my life, fate, or mood at the moment thing. My sister and I have done this, but sometimes I do it when the sun peeks out of the clouds for a little while and lights up everything and makes the world/city XD warmer. And then goes away, while I panic and try to hold on to the happy feeling I might have been experiencing. My sister and I also hold our arms out in the middle of …wherever we are –  and do superhero poses while there’s a thunderstorm. Or we try to clap or flick our fingers to pretend we control the lightning or thunder. Or blink….Yeah. OMIGOSH AGGH FLASHBACK OF WEIRDNESS, MEDITATING, YOGA, WHITE BACKGROUND, GRASS, BAAAH, ok done. (I do this in real life too – maybe its annoying. My family just thinks I’m weird and accept it. Families are awesome. They accept you. Sometimes. HAHAHAHHA….aaagh I guess it depends.).

So, after chastising myself for thinking that the world revolves around me and wondering if emotions-weather are ever really possibly linked, or if God ever changes the weather to give you an epiphany or hope, for an individual or if somehow it’s all linked so it’ll match you and the rest of the eco-system, I thought about why I had so much energy for the past two days. Now I’m thinking it’s the new coffee drink. o_o But I hadn’t had any in the morning the previous day….Anywayz, then I thought about how if I keep this up I won’t end up thinking about unproductive things like manga something and I’ll study and get my work done, and I thought about all this again and then I thought about – briefly – how doing my work will make me feel. And I thought about the sorta-duel credit program thing let me study about other stuff and how I could use that in my high school essays and how I liked learning about it and I realized that if I actually did my work I’d feel really satisfied. SATISFIED. I’d be happy that I did it and I’d feel fulfilled. I love all my classes this year too, so I’d be learning about things I’m interested in (and in high school, hah! who would’ve thought? Not math though, dropped it this year, I got the requirements. I’ll be taking it later some other way though, no worries). So, the whole satisfied thing eclipsed my previous worries about losing myself, and I panicked and tried to remember what the problem had been before that was stopping me from working, to see if this realization would fit (and interestingly enough, my desire to read The Communist Manifesto increased as well). And I think it does. But it’s a bit selfish too. Then I remembered that I’d thought about nobility and stuff before, and how I should become a doctor for my parent’s sakes and just not care if I lose my personality or self, cause it’s the noble thing to do. All this talk about ‘pursuing your dreams’ and how parents are portrayed on TV, holding the kid back, I had thought was unfair. It’s fine in some situations. But for one thing, I don’t have a dream or ideal career I’m pursuing – I’m not talented in anything especially, like music, acting, cliche cliche, I got nothing obvious or productive. And second, a doctor job is noble, if you’re helping people. My parents would be happy, they’d have a kid to brag about, I’d be successful – perfect! I was worried about my incompetence, but if I become passionate or focused on doing well, I know I can do it (the thought previously had kinda depressed me, so I reminded myself that I’m a clumsy idiot. I am though, so that worry still exists, a little). So the whole selfish thing, I think it balances out a little here. A little. I’d be doing it for my own satisfaction, not cause my mom is worried, though that is the reason I got depressed about not being able to find a solution to this block thing. I really am self-sabotaging XD. One kink and I can’t ignore it, unless I’m procrastinating or something and become panicky.

So doing my work wouldn’t make me depressed, or a workaholic. I’d have more time to do other things and I might develop a passion for learning. It’ll improve my mind…blah blah blah, etc. Time management, etc. I wouldn’t change too much I hope. -_- I’d be a good example for my sister and cousin maybe, they need a better one than the oldest of us right now. I can’t deny that I influence my sister through the way I live my own life. Even she mentions it from time to time. It bugs me. A lot of it has to do with my dress choice. I think she’s trying to pin her not-always-good grades on me sometimes -_-;. But she does point me out when my mom is chastising her for something I do too, or used to do, or did once.

…The cat is acting crazy. She’s chasing something invisible around the house….Her mom used to do that too. If we made our house a haunted one for halloween people would think there’s a ghost here or something….Yeah now she’s meowing loudly and acting crazy, it’s freaking me out. I think she sees a fly or something.

Yeesh…….Yummm, Top Ramen.

Right. But I’m only good at thinking about this stuff in theory. Look at me now. I’ve been typing for two or three hours now. Found the answer I’ve been looking for for a while now and typed it here (XD it’s a simple answer isn’t it? -_- Ridiculous, eh? If I talked this out with someone else it’d have gone a lot quicker, but it feels like I found my answer, so I almost don’t regret wasting two-three years for this.) I want to get up and do my chemistry homework, but my mind is looking for something else, some kink in my solution – or loophole – that I haven’t fixed perfectly (gosh, I must be looking for the meaning of life or something).  Before I thought it was just my lack of motivation, and I wondered why, and this was what happened, this mess of some sort of personal spiritual-philosophical (probably just psychological? o.o) crisis. And now I got it, and I want to go and do my homework and just cruise through it and study, but at the same time, I got this feeling in my core that’s pulling me back in my chair. Like in the middle of my chest, it’s like a magnet, hehe. I don’t really have anything else to do though. Except maybe talk to people, but nobody is online, or I could check but I don’t usually check to talk to people now-a-days. I could think about manga or something (like whats gonna happen next in Skip-Beat. I don’t really feel psyched about that, surprisingly. Since the next chapter is gonna be released in December. But that week I probably will be). I could keep writing about nothing.

HMMM…Self-sabotaging for sure. Thank ye, Sam. XD (or I thank ye, but whatever, that’s not what I meant).

~~~…~~~♥♥♥~~~…♪♪♪~~~…♫♫♫~~~…¿¿¿…~~~ (haha I typed out every single one of these. No copy and paste for me! Nope. -_- :)).


Idleness and sloth are sins. What am I doooiiiing…..DX :P….?!?!

It’s all in theory! They’re all empty words! From my empty head! And my empty shell! I have no soul!

Is this false modesty? I do feel kinda worthless and stupid for sure. Yes. Yep. Yup. <-self-indulgent? I have word cravings.

I was reading the best essay I’ve written I think. It got a good score on it. Writing essays makes a lot more sense this year. Maybe it’s cause English isn’t a morning class this time. But I got really good scores on them. Or maybe it’s cause they weren’t timed, so I could edit them mercilessly, hehehe.  >:] Editing kinda feels like taking the squishy soul-blob and making it look more refined with your curved sculpting knife, and throwing the strands and clumps of soul-ness in the trash. And letting it stew and eventually it fades away. Muhahaha. Anywayz, I read them and it looks like empty words for some reason. And one of them was about starting a revolution of morals or something.


Hummm. On the other side, we’re reading The Inferno in class now, and all of it means something and I love it. It makes me smile much too often for a book about Hell, but I haven’t gotten past the Chapter or Canto VI yet, I think. Or I have, only. I think I smile because I understand the figurative language, since it explains it, or just the words. But it’s not the real version, or maybe most accurate translation – even the intro admitted the translator totally massacred it, but made it awesome at the same time? I was disappointed, but I had been wondering why the verses rhymed in English when it was translated from Italian before. But the massacre part was too much. T_T At least they were honest. (I read the intro after the first two cantos…what does that even mean? Some poetry thing I guess, spell check isn’t bothered by it) I’ll enjoy the book anyway, even if that made me cry. I tried to console myself by deciding to read the whole Divine Comedy some other time. Heh. Like how I read the other Oedipus books….I’m scared to read certain books by the way, but it’d be good for me to read them…..The sad ones too. =_= I guess the only problem is that my eyes have been hurting lately. They get dry really easy, especially this year. So I try to read but I need to close my eyes and I’m not tired. I end up getting tired and fall asleep. Because my stupid eyes are dry and sore. Agh. Maybe it’s the desert. One more problem. XD

Right. See ya. 🙂

edit: Editing this before I post. The cat and me are having a battle. She keeps trying to jump to the printer and wires area, or in front of my face, or on my neck with her claws, or behind the keyboard where she tries to grab at my fingers with her paws from the crack (which would be cute if it wasn’t messing with my typing or opening windows or something – and I’m chasing her back, or grabbing this spray bottle and shaking it at her threateningly, or spritzing it at her as she runs away…Ok she isn’t doing anything now. Maybe she wanted to be mentioned here again. Oop, no, she’s on top of the printer again. Now she’s trying to grab my fingers with her paws. It starts off playful without claws then she gets serious.

…I’ll post this now and read and go over it tomorrow or whenever this edit thing disappears.


29 Sep

(love her garb, by the way)
Is it wrong that I want every famous or popular musician and/or vocalist to have talent approaching, equal to, or exceeding this woman’s? I can understand a person wanting to sing their own lyrics, or wanting to perform their own composition – especially in these times, where the writer isn’t as valued as the face or voice of the music being performed (and other stuff where the writer isn’t as valued, blah). So, as is custom, I blame people in the music industry for being too lax or shallow – I’m not sure what it is. The whole “you can’t have a voice without the face” thing. I don’t see why our singers have to be models or actors or dancers at the same time. These are allowed to be separate and equally respected divisions of art, I think (as well as all the other forms). I mean, if you can do more than one, that’s great, but if you have an overpowering and electrifyingly dazzling voice that can squash and afterward give goosebumps to said squashed multi-talented artist who’s moderately talented at singing, then GIVE THAT FIRST PERSON A CONTRACT DAMMIT, YOU’RE DOING A DISSERVICE TO THE PEOPLE! How irresponsible! Where’s your patriotism?! Its your duty to your country! I may be exaggerating! I don’t know if I am, but I really do feel its irresponsible or selfish of them. I think that singers with contracts should be able to sing with the same amount of talent on record and live, without the computers and stuff. The whole shyness and off-day things are a different matter. I don’t know what to say about people who’re having that sort of trouble other than I empathize with you -_- (even though I can’t sing. ZAP, MINUS 50 CREDIBILITY POINTS, SEE FIRST SENTENCE). Maybe the computers can’t always handle people with amazing or loud voices like that, so they have to tone it down (which is why real records pwn, muhahaha, not that I would know, I’m dreaming)? I get how people really want to sing, even if they’re not close to being as good as Whitney Houston here, but if its such a competitive field, then someone who can’t sing really shouldn’t be so famous for their music. It’s just a…slap in the face! Or a punch! Or a liberal application of rubbing alcohol onto dominant hand and with body in anatomical position with hip pivoted slightly in the direction of said hand swing arm back and rapidly…..

Although there could be an exception with techno music and stuff, cause that’s complete embracement of technology to make weird noise thats catchy and stuff, so its not a lie. But in that case, I’m not sure if the…wot, band, is the talent and the face or the face alone. What do I mean by face? Marketing…something. Blah. I like it when people make techno music like that, but with real instruments. It’s inteeeense!! Also, people who make new sounds – it’s a different style. But I think consistency is still a sign of a real vocalist – being able to sing notes basically.

For groups in the music industry that aren’t the best individually at singing, but have a different unique sound, but only together, and it sounds good, I think it’s fine, since it’s the group’s sound thats being praised, not the individual.

So, anyways, here are some singers that I think are awesome:

Two for Kelly.

and for Kevin Michael (I used his last name because it sounds like its one name to me XD)

(That beatboxer is amazing too)

Love this song (MJ – Man in the Mirror if the video doesn’t show up again). This guy was also a performer though. He was a great dancer and singer, and performer. But I think his voice was the strongest since his emotion could reach you, but that’s debatable. Its a bit scary though to see how much his fans idolized him. XD We have the concert in Romania video, where he flies off wearing a jet pack. I watched it as a kid and got scared when people started dying and being taken away by men with stretchers. Thats when I found out about ‘fainting.’ (This song goes on for 10 minutes, it’s like he was putting them through agony on purpose! XD Just by singing, he knew what he was doing!) Its an interesting contrast with today though. I watched some TRL and concerts on MTV last year and the crowd isn’t that enthusiastic. They look bored and the people trying to grab the singer’s hands seem pretty rational (composed, not beside themselves). It’s interesting. The youth of America today are more rational and controlled, or they don’t want to make themselves vulnerable like that? It takes me back to that poem where it mentions how we speak uncertainly to avoid conflict. We’re guarded like that, we’re not as willing to put ourselves out there. I’m kinda sort of a very good example of that, maybe, I think, I think, I think….That still sounds like me, doesn’t it? Or my voice? Question mark? Though, maybe I shouldn’t say more rational and composed. We still do some pretty stupid stuff for rational people. What am I trying to say? You can hear it in the radio.

DJ: Oh my gosh. YOU WON!!
Winner: Oh wow, really? That’s so awesome. I can’t beliiiieve it, yaaaay…:D

DJ: Yeaaah!! What do you gotta say?

Winner: JIMM 98.7 rocks! Woo!

(totally random number+name combo. But 98.7 just FEELS right to me). Anyway, they have to fake being really excited on radio, but they probably are happy. It’s more constrained.)

…Unrelated rant.^ Its funny how Michael Jackson does that to you. HAHAHhA, or maybe it’s just how he symbolizes a time period.

You can tell that this guy really loves to sing in this video (Trey Songz)…I don’t know about now, but this guy can sing and he’s really happy just singing, I think. He’s getting all excited, hehehe. If the video doesn’t show, here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UpMBISco2_4

WOOO! But this is the best one I could get, and this other one wouldn’t let me embed it. The girl is singing in it too, but who wouldn’t? muhahahaha…(Gretchen Wilson, Red Neck Woman…the videos aren’t showing up for some reason)

Christina Aguilera
I saw her practicing on TV or something, and it was really beautiful XD and I appreciated singers/vocalists more. Dude, seriously, which am I supposed to say? Singers or Vocalists? Anyway, so that made me think more amazed by this girl after I saw this:

(Paramore acoustic) CONSISTANCY!! HAHA, it sounded the same! And she’s good. I’m not knowledgeable in all of this music stuff, I just learned on Wiki a couple of months ago that acapela and falsetto weren’t just for Opera singers (I want to go to an opera show…). But, by the way, their performance at one of those award shows where one of the guys has to balance on something when he does his guitar solo – that part was awesome – but her singing wasn’t as good as it was here. She’s sitting down here, and it’d be boring I guess if she just stood there and sang to people, so I was o.k. with it since I knew that she *could* sing. It’s probably hard to sing and run around, so performance was a higher priority in that situation, I guess. I think that the reason Michael Jackson was so successful was because he could do it all…HE’S A NINJA!
And….I feel like a jerk since I don’t know anything about music-music. Like instruments. I can teach myself how to play a song by…I think the phrase is ‘by ear’ (startled musician spins around, points at me with mouth foaming and suddenly shouts out “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOB!!!!” – for the record these are the things that I see in my mind when I write, these sudden scenes that interrupt the flow), but it takes me a couple of hours (1-4) for part of a song like…*decides to finally look it up after years of not knowing the title or the lyrics*…..OMIGOSH IS THAT WHAT IT WAS, DAMMIT, I SHOULDA KNOWN AAAUGH I’M AN IDIOT – Ode to Joy, Beethoven. But I get really serious and focused and pissed off when people interrupt me. People hate me when I’m concentrating. Would I be a demon workaholic? There is a high probability. Love me now while you can – the endearing slacker. Not endearing, I lie. I’m a parasite feeding off of your attention. bwahahhaha….But we all are, si? Anyhoo, I don’t even know if I got it right, but it sounds OK.

Ode to Joy tutorial video ^
Dammit, I got the first parts. But the kinda solo-ish part I got stuck on since I wasn’t sure exactly how it went. I WAS WORKING OFF OF TARNISHED MEMORY DAMMIT, GRAAA *EXCUSES EXCUSES, ADMIT YOU’RE A FAILURE AND BE DONE WITH IT!* noooo….

Man, how could I not figure that out? I didn’t even use the other side for that solo-part. I got…ehh….*googles ‘ode to joy kids c’*
bbcddcbaggabbaa  – This is what I found. If these are the notes (hehe, I started understanding them a little when I was in 10th grade, but then I gave up. I used to say as a kid “Why do I need to know it, I already know the alphabet and numbers, I don’t need another language!” – I meant as in code, not languages to speak with each other verbally. I was mostly frustrated because I didn’t get math as it was, and it looked like more math to me. Is it?). Anyway, I got that part, and the part that sorta repeats. Then like six or 7 keys or notes after, I think. Why am I bragging to you? Hooray, I’m not totally inept with music (might as well be, it doesn’t make a difference). Maybe this is me trying to convince by screaming behind casual and empty words that I’m an accomplished person. “I’M AN ACCOMPLISHED PERSON DAMMIT, I’M NOT OBSOLETE, I HAVE TALENT, LOOK AT ME!! NOTICE ME!!!” You know, that sort of thing *casually looks at nails, eyes averted, puffs on them, blinking.*
edit: This video had the notes in the side bar XD

hehehhehe…..Allllrriiiight….That’s all I got right now. Venting is so fun. muhahahaha…..stuff is happening, but not that much I can or am willing or want to talk about since I should be working right now. I’m not good at being committed to myself. I cheat on my conscience with THIS BLOG HAHAHAHHHAHA, ok bye. Am I manic?! AM I?! BIPOLAR?! (no, that disorder is…used too lightly now I think, people are actually suffering from it I think). I have the impression that I was a weird kid, but I might’ve been typical, you never know. I don’t think so though. This is me romanticizing my childhood? Though, I recently decided I didn’t want to go back, after years of wishing I was 7. But maybe it would be nice….dot dot dot, FOR REAL NOW, SEE YA, BEING COMMITTED TO MY GOODBYES AT LEAST HERE (JUST REALLY WANTED TO END THE SENTENCE WITH THE WORD HERE, WORD SPASM/CRAVINGS ARE HORRIBLLEEE….THE HEH/H SOUNDS IS PARTICULARLY IRRESISTIBLE TODAY, WHATI S WRONG WITH ME, OH I KNOW HAHA IT’S PROBABLY SESAME STREET IS IN MY HEAD, THAT EVIL SHOW AND THEIR WORD CRAVINGS, OK BYE BYE BYE HAH!)
(end song to wrap it up)

Here’s another:

edit: This song, I’m including because it’s an amazing accomplishment and it has stuff that’s computer-ness, but it’s tied with the song I think (whale noises?!). Also, it’s spooky.

I don’t know much about Celine Dion. But I like this song a lot, and also Rob Thomas/Matchbox 20! Omigosh, I can’t believe I didn’t include him. And I like Blue October’s sound….And Rod Stewart! Yael Naim? Only heard that one song.
Here Live:

Also, that high note that Houston sang at this part – “in the land of the freeee” <—-That part is the part maan. You gotta hit that high note, it’s just right!

Surviving Love

23 Sep

Quick post blurb. Love has been described as a contagious disease. It infects us without warning, though some causes are traceable and share similarities, and in some cases can cause mental instability, obsession, paranoia, increase a person’s mortality rate, and even cause death. And so on. Similarly, the same goes for hate.
My question I think would be, has a person ever survived love? The same question can apply to hate, but in this case I’m wondering whether a person can go from birth to death without submitting to or accepting love, or maybe instead or also, without being loved or shown or given love. Can a person ‘survive’ this, and furthermore could they do so without submitting to hate? Or maybe that would be apathy to the fullest degree. -__- Which is just cowardice in my opinion. 😛

Also, what sort of person would this be or make? (suddenly imagines a androgynous beautiful and indifferent to the point of being cruel type of villain and the theme of this vision is White and Light – why, I wonder? XD)

edit: 12/10/09 – The vision to me sounded something like Truth just now. HAH. But why does truth have to be crueeel, whhaaat….?? I don’t like truth=indifferent.

Statements and Cheesyness

19 Sep

WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO MAKE A STATEMENT?! What is it with wisdom and advice, and why does it have to be linked with dramatic events!? ONLINE?! I understand why-ish, but what is it that makes it seem like society is sort of a factor in it?! And it’s on the internet too….

I’m talking Internet mostly. In real life, I’m no good. I’m no good. -_-

But onliiine….Bullying and such, and the defenders….It’s good that it happens, but why must there be online drama, and these roles involved?!

IS IT BECAUSE OF THE TROLLS?! Without Villains there can’t be Heroes, sort of thing?? Are they the reason there have to be Online Defenders of Webbers, or Internet Life Guards?! It’s these stupid roles and mini-episodes that bug me! It feels so fake or so unreal and…augh!

Online Webber-Defenders, keep doing your thing and all, I’m just venting my annoyance of cheesyness.

My annoyance with cheesyness makes me sad sometimes though. Its another sign that I’ve lost my childhood innocence -_- (which, however, I was lucky to have had for such an abnormally extended period of time..I think I still have traces of it.). I realized this when I went to see a college play that I enjoyed but kept squirming about. I realized I hadn’t or couldn’t accidentally lose myself in the play, even though some things looked cool. I had a flashback to when my uncle took the family to see Cinderella….It was probably super-cheesy but I don’t remember squirming…or the play. I remember wondering (as a kid) if they actually kissed though -_-;. I always thought, as a kid, that those sort of real life movie scenes were done with special effects because it’d be impossible or ridiculous for actors to actually have to kiss all those people, especially if they were already married. But eventually, I realized “OMIGOSH THEY ACTUALLY HAVE TO KISS?!” I think I was 10 when I found out. Or maybe 11, I don’t know. I was very naive maybe….Yeah, I thought that they had some sort of sneaky actor’s trick when I was 10 or 11, but found out, no. I had even watched Titanic when I was 6..I didn’t completely know what was going on during that…scene, but I was probably veeery surprised..

Hah, the way a kid organizes the world to appear logical to them is funny, eh? Well, I was…eh..eccentric I think, but still….(I’m still weird).

Yah, anyways, all I was really concerned about after Cinderella was meeting the lady who played her, and I was super excited when we got to. She was really pretty, but different from what I expected (she still had the gown though). So I think I asked her, “DID YOU REALLY KISS HIM?!” And I guess she said or someone said that the guy was her boyfriend, so  I was like, “oh , it’s o.k. then.” Maybe I interviewed her? I just have this memory where my view is looking up and seeing her with blonde-ish hair in a bun and bright lipstick and the dress and the black thing around her neck, and I think she has a friendly smile on. It’s in this white hallway-type (dressing room area?) and there are a bunch of people around I think taking pictures with her too and congratulating, maybe giving flowers. For some reason though, I think right now, or maybe my memory is effected by something else now, that the smile she gave me was a bit fake or fading cause I may have weirded her out. Maybe I was giving her an intense stare of awe without realizing it. I realized in middle school that I’m one of those people who looked maybe pissed off or unapproachable when I’m thinking (lol, cause thinking is such a strain on my brain…hahahha, sorry, sorry)….And also that sometimes I think I’m giving people a friendly smile (maybe in response to theirs) but I’m..not. XD I was very surprised. It was cause I accidentally saw myself in the passenger-seat’s rearview mirror and I wasn’t smiling and I thought I had been. XD Or at least not wide enough for someone to detect. Gah. I think I’m doing better now though.

Eh, slight flashback of the play during the carriages….and the shadows…Nah, it’s gone. ><;

Anywayz…That’s all.