I’ve been wondering for 2 years now whether I should surrender myself completely to homework and make it my first priority and stop thinking about anything else, or…not. I think in black and white I guess – it’s definitely an easier way to organize the world. Mediation is too complicated and boring and hazy. Fear me.
For the whole ‘being responsible’ thing. I thought I wouldn’t have time for anything else if I do this – I’m kinda right. The person at school who’s ranked #1 said she worked and then slept – she had little time for anything else, and in her spare time she studied I think. This would be OK and logical I guess, work like crazy now, have a good rest of your life – but I was worried about getting stuck in a pattern, not being able to philosophize about my situation and think about life or anything other than the present. I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle. I get an image of the crowded streets of New York XD. Everyone’s walking fast, busy, some people talking on the phone, everyone’s got somewhere to be – but they don’t have time for anything else?? It’s all about work and then they die…. What kind of life is that? Work, work, work. It’s to survive, but living life only to survive is no good. Even in countries where it’s all about working to survive and getting food, they have social lives. I saw that Kingsley’s Crossing video in class this month, and he mentioned that. And the whole ‘unexamined life is not worth living’ thing. I think Sophocles was a rich dude though, like the rest of those damn genius philosophers – they’re all rich people with time…but at least they weren’t idle, they changed history..
So I was scared that if I started working, I’d be totally immersed in my work and I’d get stuck. I’m the kind of person who hates being interrupted when I’ve finally started focusing on something. Like reading a book, washing the dishes (sometimes), trying to figure out what the next note is when figuring out a song (HAHAHA – I don’t play piano well though, at all), writing, doing homework, drawing sometimes, etc. I become very irritable, exasperated, and everything I say sounds sharp and bitter and impatient – kinda condescending cause I want them to leave already. And as a result the person interrupting gets angry and leaves after – my sister usually says something spiteful on her way out just to have the last word, but I don’t really care at that point..or I do but I’m just happy no one’s annoying me anymore. Anyways, I guess I probably deserve it…tch. HAH. My mom gets a little pissed though, and I try not to keep going but it could goes like this (keep in mind my mom is a very sarcastic person – she speaks evil with wide eyes, a cocked head, and a large smile on her face):
*knock knock* (doors locked)
Me: Who is it?!
Mom: Open the door! D:<
Me: What?! Why, I said ‘who is it’ you didn’t answer. >:O
Mom: What?? (I talk fast when I’m angry sometimes)
Me: AAAAGH, What do you want!?
Mom: I need to see if you’re working. Open the door.
Me: Why didn’t you just say so?! Gooood [God] *opens door goes back to work area.*
Mom: Eeeeh, Why are you so mad?! >:E
Me: Becaaause I said who is it and – ugh – I’m working, ok?!
Mom: So?! Why did you lock the door?
Me: Cause I don’t want anyone to disturb me!
Mom: Oooh?? Like who?!
Me: Like you or [sister]! What do you want??
Mom: I need to see if you’re working and not sleeping! [legitimate reason – and a good jab]
Me: I AM WORKING. You’re bothering me, go away! *shoo fly hands* Gosh.
Mom: What did you get done?
Mom: What work?! EH? Show me!
Me [pissed]: I DID THIS, THIS, THIS! *points, or throws, or explains that this work is taking a while*
Mom: What is it?
Me: ENGLISH PAPER, SCIENCE…worksheet, and vocab.
Mom: For what?
Mom: Ok, that’s all I wanted to know. Gooood. *voice trailing away while talking under her breath out loud XD* DON’T LOCK THE DOOR, I’M GOING TO CHECK ON YOU. [yells this]
Me (exasperated and crawled to the door – I work on the ground): I’LL OPEN IT LATER! (locks door)
So I get really into the zone when I get to working. My cousin does that too, and we’ve realized that we’re both scared of doing that and actively avoid it XD. Sometimes I avoid it without knowing I’m avoiding it – like my mom said I’m easily distracted and I’m good at distracting others and myself. I’m quiet in school though, so no need to worry about my peers. But what I do is I won’t let any thought get away – if I realize or think about something when work needs to be done, I chase it and I’ll have a discussion about it with someone and it’ll keep creating new conversations – like a tree, bwahahha. The branches and all keep separating..yeah, anywayz (king of similes and other figurative language, right here folks – who speaks plainly now-a-days, really?) . And it’ll take a long time for the person to realize that we’ve diverged from the work issue again. Then when people are trying to be really serious I start entertaining myself by dancing or singing annoyingly or jumping, running around, talking to myself, laughing etc. Then I get exhausted or contemplative and eventually my mood becomes somber. Symptoms of a manic-depressive? hahhaha, borderline *cackles* Don’t worry I know everything is my fault :).
Right. So…Hahaha, I should write scripts when I’m older. I allow you to borrow it for drama class *salutes you while grinning.*
Ok, ok ok focus. I was also wondering about how this would affect me with the whole religion thing. I kinda think that the most religious people were Monks or those people who separate themselves from society and worldy troubles, live modestly, and are totally enlightened – this sounds kinda like Buddhism or something to me, but I am Christian – psh, in name only, hah, I suck. Struggling ~♪. So the person I admire most in the bible is John the Baptist. He seems fearless – renegade! So I can’t help but look at society and the churches critically, especially with my limited understanding of the bible and having not read the words of the other disciples or everything that Jesus has said. People say there is no shame in wanting things or wanting money – but I can’t see how it’s not shameful, especially when I look at JB. And those people on the Christian TV shows and radio preaching financial advice at you. If we’re supposed to ‘be perfect’ should we all become monks, and beggars, preaching about the bible? I had been thinking before, we’re not supposed to worry about that stuff, and the whole lilies of the field, the birds being fed, how we’re more valuable than the birds, God’ll take care of us, etc.
So this week, my mom was lecturing me for being lazy. I am lazy, by the way, but this is part of my reason…Oh wait, there was another thing (definitely a train of thought blog – or just unorganized. Flatter me).
I also was scared, I realized, of losing myself, or my current self and personality. Like my crazyness, and unstable random self, who people have to watch out for and take care of, since I’m so absent-minded and careless.
It’s kinda like….Well, I realized I was guilty of something, sort of – this manga chapter was all about it – it isn’t a romance one or anything -_-;, it’s some sort of satire, comedy, dark-humor, random thing with this sensei who’s always trying to commit suicide and can only see things in a negative light. Anyways, here:
This quote is best: “Even though they’re inferior in every way, they have an attitude like they’re winning. Negative pride is spreading in this world.”
It’s truuuue. T_T This mangaka is genius. If you disagree, what about that stupid evil song, “You’re a jerk.” 60% of it is saying “You’re a jerk”, and 20% of it is “I know.” The rest of the song I didn’t catch, I was too busy writhing and screaming, “WELL IF YOU KNOW, F***** FIX IT YOU BASTARD!!”
I hate that song. Anyways, I think it’s cause having a virtue like being responsible, compassion, focused, brave – well, maybe not brave, this is civilized society, there aren’t that many flashy opportunities to display bravery [I’ll talk about this some other time] – it’s sounds cliche and common and boring now. It’s more unique to have faults because having faults makes you human and different. We like our heroes flawed. The anti-hero is popular now-a-days. And it LOOKS EASY to be responsible. Maybe it is for some people. And they don’t see the point in it – it doesn’t make you feel unique – I wouldn’t know, but that’s my rationalization of it. Proclaiming “I’m picky!” is something you say with gusto almost. Maybe flaws are more relate-able, and it’s not completely immodest to boast about a fault. I think we all want to boast, but all we can boast about with security are our flaws. Otherwise we’ll come across as pig-headed. And its ‘our life’ anyways.
Right got off-topic again.
I’ll repeat what I said since I completely diverged from it. I also was scared of losing myself, or my current self. Like my crazyness, and unstable random self, who people have to watch out for and take care of, since I’m so absent-minded and careless. I don’t want to change myself, even if it’s for the better, because everything will change as a result. (My universe I mean, the eyes I look at the world with? The perspective) It’s too scary to think about. I don’t like change I guess. Even my personality kinda reflects that – my insanity is predictable. My sister knows I’m gonna say something crazy and unexpected, and what her reaction might be, but she doesn’t know what it is exactly. Maybe everyone is like that. *shrug* Personality is a weird word, by the way. I don’t like it much right now..
I said before that I go with the flow in some situations, so I have to change myself to be responsible, when I’m being kinda my other self in another house, but even if I do have to change into a more responsible person temporarily, my lazyness catches up to me. But I force myself to do my chores or something if I can’t bribe my sister to do it. 😄 So I know I am lazy for sure, but that’s something I want to deal with head-on later (I dislike obstacles o_o. I prefer dealing with the issue alone, not all the mess around it. I’m too simple-minded. XD)
So I didn’t want to change because I was concerned with my present self dieing off. And my teacher didn’t help, when he explained the “Death and Rebirth” archetype to us, about twenty times [for good reason, I’m not mocking him, just my agitation at having to hear this more than once]. He said the old self DIES COMPLETELY, NO MORE. Poof. Some funny joke about it’s dead-ness. So the whole ‘born again Christian’ thing, being saved also worried me. That was before, but this tied in with it since I heard it out loud, and in a classroom…blah.
I mean…I don’t know what kind of person I’d become, how my life would change, how my relationships with the people around me would change, I don’t even know what to do after I become ‘saved’. And I thought about it, and I thought that I don’t even know how to become ‘born again,’ and realized a little that it might be because I don’t want to kill [XD] my present self and that it’s cause of my uncertainty, and maybe my cowardice. So I let go of that for a while, the religious part of changing and haven’t thought about it much till, maybe today in the car (passenger seat; I’m doing a public service and keeping off the road for as long as possible -_- [laaazy+scared]), where I usually think about these things.
So my thinking had been blocked in that area for a while. The choices seemed to be, either become boring, responsible, dead-souled, workaholic until death possibly, or stay the same, maybe find something to be passionate about and possibly find God someday. I occasionally thought about how work and God could be compatible XD…I could work hard to become a doctor and open a free clinic with my money and help people and be selfless that way. Haha. But that’s as far as I got, kinda alone.
Ok. Now this is the part where I explain my mom lecturing me. Thought I forgot, eh? Hehe….Or maybe you forgot. You probably have no idea what I’m talking about actually. Muhahahaha, you poor soul, you. *pats head sympathetically while chuckling with a slightly manic demon grin*
Bleh, hate the word ‘chuckling’ too. Chuckle. XP
It was Saturday I think, and my mom was picking me up from the college (It’s like duel credit classes, but not – settle for this explanation, or I’ll have to bore you and no one will benefit from this, short or long term..maybe I over-complicate things too o.o By being simple-minded. Yes, that could work. You are on a roller coaster my friend, called the Journey of Meezletoe’s Self-Discovery. Watch out for the angst, it’ll give you whip lash!) and since my grades are god-awful, terrible and evil, she was talking to me about them. ^^ And asked me what the problem was, like she does sometimes….And I told her I think too much about stuff and that I’m lazy. And she said ‘like what?’. And we had an interesting conversation. I said something about stars and electricity and street lamps and cities and the sun and energy orbs and the sun and the anti-christ and the inevitable end of the world and sunglasses – I’ll talk about that some other time – it was one idea, those things were related. Haha, ‘nother weird look into meh mind. Hm. So then, so she didn’t think I onnnly think about stupid stuff, I told her the whole John the Babtist, monks, college stuff. And eventually the discussion ended up with her saying that ‘what can we do, we need to eat’, and I said the birds eat thing, and she said I can’t do nothing and not work though and just sit there and say ‘God will take care of me!’ So, I was like AHHH :D. She was having difficulty answering my questions at first, and she got that. I was worried she wouldn’t have an answer for me. So I have even more respect for parents in general now. You guys are finding answers in your pockets from God or something. It’s like ehhh, ehh, OH RIGHT, POINT! HA-HA, THWART ME NOW, CHILD!! She didn’t give me that ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’ crap either. Yesss, my mom is awesome. *dances the macarena* I don’t think she’s ever given me that, except for in situations where I knew she was right when she said that, but that was when I was like 7. (“I’LL ALWAYS LOVE BARBIES!” “Hah, just wait when you’re older.” “NEVEEERRR!”)
So. Then today, I was doing the whole…habitual comparing the weather to my life, fate, or mood at the moment thing. My sister and I have done this, but sometimes I do it when the sun peeks out of the clouds for a little while and lights up everything and makes the world/city 😄 warmer. And then goes away, while I panic and try to hold on to the happy feeling I might have been experiencing. My sister and I also hold our arms out in the middle of …wherever we are – and do superhero poses while there’s a thunderstorm. Or we try to clap or flick our fingers to pretend we control the lightning or thunder. Or blink….Yeah. OMIGOSH AGGH FLASHBACK OF WEIRDNESS, MEDITATING, YOGA, WHITE BACKGROUND, GRASS, BAAAH, ok done. (I do this in real life too – maybe its annoying. My family just thinks I’m weird and accept it. Families are awesome. They accept you. Sometimes. HAHAHAHHA….aaagh I guess it depends.).
So, after chastising myself for thinking that the world revolves around me and wondering if emotions-weather are ever really possibly linked, or if God ever changes the weather to give you an epiphany or hope, for an individual or if somehow it’s all linked so it’ll match you and the rest of the eco-system, I thought about why I had so much energy for the past two days. Now I’m thinking it’s the new coffee drink. o_o But I hadn’t had any in the morning the previous day….Anywayz, then I thought about how if I keep this up I won’t end up thinking about unproductive things like manga something and I’ll study and get my work done, and I thought about all this again and then I thought about – briefly – how doing my work will make me feel. And I thought about the sorta-duel credit program thing let me study about other stuff and how I could use that in my high school essays and how I liked learning about it and I realized that if I actually did my work I’d feel really satisfied. SATISFIED. I’d be happy that I did it and I’d feel fulfilled. I love all my classes this year too, so I’d be learning about things I’m interested in (and in high school, hah! who would’ve thought? Not math though, dropped it this year, I got the requirements. I’ll be taking it later some other way though, no worries). So, the whole satisfied thing eclipsed my previous worries about losing myself, and I panicked and tried to remember what the problem had been before that was stopping me from working, to see if this realization would fit (and interestingly enough, my desire to read The Communist Manifesto increased as well). And I think it does. But it’s a bit selfish too. Then I remembered that I’d thought about nobility and stuff before, and how I should become a doctor for my parent’s sakes and just not care if I lose my personality or self, cause it’s the noble thing to do. All this talk about ‘pursuing your dreams’ and how parents are portrayed on TV, holding the kid back, I had thought was unfair. It’s fine in some situations. But for one thing, I don’t have a dream or ideal career I’m pursuing – I’m not talented in anything especially, like music, acting, cliche cliche, I got nothing obvious or productive. And second, a doctor job is noble, if you’re helping people. My parents would be happy, they’d have a kid to brag about, I’d be successful – perfect! I was worried about my incompetence, but if I become passionate or focused on doing well, I know I can do it (the thought previously had kinda depressed me, so I reminded myself that I’m a clumsy idiot. I am though, so that worry still exists, a little). So the whole selfish thing, I think it balances out a little here. A little. I’d be doing it for my own satisfaction, not cause my mom is worried, though that is the reason I got depressed about not being able to find a solution to this block thing. I really am self-sabotaging XD. One kink and I can’t ignore it, unless I’m procrastinating or something and become panicky.
So doing my work wouldn’t make me depressed, or a workaholic. I’d have more time to do other things and I might develop a passion for learning. It’ll improve my mind…blah blah blah, etc. Time management, etc. I wouldn’t change too much I hope. -_- I’d be a good example for my sister and cousin maybe, they need a better one than the oldest of us right now. I can’t deny that I influence my sister through the way I live my own life. Even she mentions it from time to time. It bugs me. A lot of it has to do with my dress choice. I think she’s trying to pin her not-always-good grades on me sometimes -_-;. But she does point me out when my mom is chastising her for something I do too, or used to do, or did once.
…The cat is acting crazy. She’s chasing something invisible around the house….Her mom used to do that too. If we made our house a haunted one for halloween people would think there’s a ghost here or something….Yeah now she’s meowing loudly and acting crazy, it’s freaking me out. I think she sees a fly or something.
Yeesh…….Yummm, Top Ramen.
Right. But I’m only good at thinking about this stuff in theory. Look at me now. I’ve been typing for two or three hours now. Found the answer I’ve been looking for for a while now and typed it here (XD it’s a simple answer isn’t it? -_- Ridiculous, eh? If I talked this out with someone else it’d have gone a lot quicker, but it feels like I found my answer, so I almost don’t regret wasting two-three years for this.) I want to get up and do my chemistry homework, but my mind is looking for something else, some kink in my solution – or loophole – that I haven’t fixed perfectly (gosh, I must be looking for the meaning of life or something). Before I thought it was just my lack of motivation, and I wondered why, and this was what happened, this mess of some sort of personal spiritual-philosophical (probably just psychological? o.o) crisis. And now I got it, and I want to go and do my homework and just cruise through it and study, but at the same time, I got this feeling in my core that’s pulling me back in my chair. Like in the middle of my chest, it’s like a magnet, hehe. I don’t really have anything else to do though. Except maybe talk to people, but nobody is online, or I could check but I don’t usually check to talk to people now-a-days. I could think about manga or something (like whats gonna happen next in Skip-Beat. I don’t really feel psyched about that, surprisingly. Since the next chapter is gonna be released in December. But that week I probably will be). I could keep writing about nothing.
HMMM…Self-sabotaging for sure. Thank ye, Sam. 😄 (or I thank ye, but whatever, that’s not what I meant).
~~~…~~~♥♥♥~~~…♪♪♪~~~…♫♫♫~~~…¿¿¿…~~~ (haha I typed out every single one of these. No copy and paste for me! Nope. -_- :)).
Idleness and sloth are sins. What am I doooiiiing…..DX :P….?!?!
It’s all in theory! They’re all empty words! From my empty head! And my empty shell! I have no soul!
Is this false modesty? I do feel kinda worthless and stupid for sure. Yes. Yep. Yup. <-self-indulgent? I have word cravings.
I was reading the best essay I’ve written I think. It got a good score on it. Writing essays makes a lot more sense this year. Maybe it’s cause English isn’t a morning class this time. But I got really good scores on them. Or maybe it’s cause they weren’t timed, so I could edit them mercilessly, hehehe. >:] Editing kinda feels like taking the squishy soul-blob and making it look more refined with your curved sculpting knife, and throwing the strands and clumps of soul-ness in the trash. And letting it stew and eventually it fades away. Muhahaha. Anywayz, I read them and it looks like empty words for some reason. And one of them was about starting a revolution of morals or something.
IT’S CAUSE MY WORDS HAVE NO WEIGHT! I DO NOT ACT ON THEM! EMPTY PROMISES TO MYSELF, ALL OF THEM, WAAAAGH!!!!
Hummm. On the other side, we’re reading The Inferno in class now, and all of it means something and I love it. It makes me smile much too often for a book about Hell, but I haven’t gotten past the Chapter or Canto VI yet, I think. Or I have, only. I think I smile because I understand the figurative language, since it explains it, or just the words. But it’s not the real version, or maybe most accurate translation – even the intro admitted the translator totally massacred it, but made it awesome at the same time? I was disappointed, but I had been wondering why the verses rhymed in English when it was translated from Italian before. But the massacre part was too much. T_T At least they were honest. (I read the intro after the first two cantos…what does that even mean? Some poetry thing I guess, spell check isn’t bothered by it) I’ll enjoy the book anyway, even if that made me cry. I tried to console myself by deciding to read the whole Divine Comedy some other time. Heh. Like how I read the other Oedipus books….I’m scared to read certain books by the way, but it’d be good for me to read them…..The sad ones too. =_= I guess the only problem is that my eyes have been hurting lately. They get dry really easy, especially this year. So I try to read but I need to close my eyes and I’m not tired. I end up getting tired and fall asleep. Because my stupid eyes are dry and sore. Agh. Maybe it’s the desert. One more problem. 😄
Right. See ya. 🙂
edit: Editing this before I post. The cat and me are having a battle. She keeps trying to jump to the printer and wires area, or in front of my face, or on my neck with her claws, or behind the keyboard where she tries to grab at my fingers with her paws from the crack (which would be cute if it wasn’t messing with my typing or opening windows or something – and I’m chasing her back, or grabbing this spray bottle and shaking it at her threateningly, or spritzing it at her as she runs away…Ok she isn’t doing anything now. Maybe she wanted to be mentioned here again. Oop, no, she’s on top of the printer again. Now she’s trying to grab my fingers with her paws. It starts off playful without claws then she gets serious.
…I’ll post this now and read and go over it tomorrow or whenever this edit thing disappears.